Ruined

To clear the air before the clouds start rolling in, I only wish this were the beginning of my rainy year and yet it's only the start of me putting it in something other than my head. I've never doubted myself or felt more miserable before. It's not a few bad days but literally every since 2014 happened so did the lighting along with the striking thunder that follows it. Everyday I fake it to make it and some days are easier than others. But I don't want that. I don't want to have to fake it at all. I use to think I was a positive, upbeat person but it gets overwhelming trying to be positive in all these different scenarios and events that have occurred when on the inside or even just alone on my own I'm negative, depressed and bitter. I have sick thoughts in my mind because I have nothing telling them otherwise. I have pain in my heart that's made of love. When you drop a single drop of red dye in a glass of water it doesn't just color a part of that water, it colors the whole thing. The pain that has been ministered does not just affect part of my heart and all the things it controls but all of it. It's not just one pain, it's the pain from all off the consistent rain. One grain of sand is not heavy, but they pile with another and create weight, weight that is not steady but consistently and constantly building and therefore getting heavier. It gets harder as time goes by, not easier. The more time that goes by it seems the more pain and torture this world has to throw at you. How much longer can I keep it together when I'm in pieces? How have I been able to pull it off? As transparent as I've always been told I was I think maybe that just means how bad it is. What do I need to pull me out of the darkness I'm running towards? I want everything to stop. And the way I mean that scares me. I mean everything. How did I get here? It almost feels as if it snuck up on me but then again as each stab punctured I suppose they all just starting feeling the same. Am I not trying hard enough? Maybe if I just keep faking it then I'll eventually begin to believe it myself. Problem solved right? I suppose that really is what I'm best at, sweeping things under the rug. I feel ruined. Things may seem better from time to time,yes, but they don't change the times that weren't as said better. I love. Not just specific things but everything. So now that it's been bruised and beaten so much I don't think I can love or appreciate anymore and worse I don't want to. 

Rock Me Baby

Etta James' "Rock Me Baby" in the styles of myself echoes through the empty house from the shower room. There I was rocking my hips to the rhythm and curling my back with the high notes as the hot water ran down my "nothing to hide" body. I'm on a natural high as my mind is happy and my body is libidinous. I turn to see you staring me down with an exhilarating hunger. My skin instantly tightens as you step into the streaming hot water taking me into your hold and pressing our starving bodies hard against another. Between the the steam softening my skin and you tightening it, my goosebumps feel confused. You look down in my face and lock eyes with me and I watch you kiss and bite down my stomach. I then break eye contact as you reach my "Oh my God..." The shower feels more like a sauna now and no baby that wet is all me. Just as I'm close to moisturizing your lips you lift me up and pin me back and in my reflex I wrap my legs around you and then I feel the massive lust for me force its way into heaven momentarily paralyzing my legs. I brace myself only with a handful of hair and the crook of my other elbow at the back of your neck as you slide me up and down the slippery wall, water splashing from your brawny shoulders making a lake between your chest and my breast. The harder you bite me the more hard I want it. You pull away from the wall and sit on the shower bench still in complete control of my body. We grab soap soaked loofahs and all of a sudden we've reached pornstar mentality. The slippery suds only improve the feeling of the two of our frames as we build this house of passions. Just as I feel you begin to swell I stop and rise off and kneel down. I know that I can't but it doesn't stop me from challenging myself to fit all of you into my mouth as I soap up and wash your feet,ass and legs. I drop the loofah as you pull me up against you and spin me face to wall. My breast now silky with soap press against the wall and every glide hardens my nipples. The only con to this position is that you can't see the expressions of pleasure and painful pleasures on my face. Oh God here we go. I don't need to hear you to know when it's time. I can feel it. Give it to me because I came to get it.



Buenos noches my little chickens... Until I feed you again..

Kenneth

For startes I still love you and I miss you dearly. Things got so turned around. I wish you could see truth from dishonesty. I've always been loyal to you, and not a day goes by that I don't think of you and hate myself for not picking up the phone and calling you. What would I say? What if I'm afraid of what you may say? If you said the tiniest thing turning me away I may just fall in to so many pieces that I would never be able to recover. I don't know how you feel. I've cut you out of my life but before so you were the only thing in my life that mattered. I can't stand the unknown of how you're doing. I cry sometimes when I'm alone because the distance physically and emotionally is so far apart. I never in a million years would think this would happen. Not to us. I full-heartedly thought we would always be together. I miss sitting with you, just the two of us as we joked, gossipped and spoke about life, religion, goals, family and plans. I steer away from the topic as I converse with anyone new in concern that I may have a full break down. I'm not happy in life if you're not in it. I have no idea what you may think or feel or if you miss me. If we never do reunite I want you to know that I love you. I've never cared about someones well being or someone period more than I care for you. I want to tell you all of the things that have been going on. I want you to know the goals I've set and the ones I've already accomplished. I want to hug you and smell the scent of tobacco and screwdrivers you normally vent. I want to hold your puffy hand as it keeps mine warm from always being so naturally cold. I want to cut your hair as we laugh and watch Judge Joe Brown. I miss styling your hair up in a mohawk even though you hated it. I even miss the nasty things like cleaning your facial pores and purging your back of blackheads. I miss waking up before you to make you some coffee and breakfast you never ate. Is your computer broken? Because as much of a headache it was for me all the time, I miss being able to fix it for you and being the hero. I miss looking in your dark eyes protected by your caterpillar eyebrows and telling you how handsome you are. I miss scratching your back. I just miss you and everything about you. I want you to take better care of yourself so that the possibility of a reunion is more likely. I wish I could hear you laugh, the laugh that comes from deep within your stomach and bounces your shoulders. I laugh at the image of you laying on the couch for your afternoon nap with your mouth wide open and your little scuttle when you walk. Remember the time you let the dogs out of the house and I came running to your rescue as you yelled "help! help!" and I as I turned the corner I couldn't help but burst out with tears and laughter as your back belt loop had gotten around the door handle and you couldn't move? Remember our short "road trips" in my convertible and you stylishly wearing your aviators feeling like a baller but always bitching about how difficult it was to get in and out of my car? I always ask about you. Your birthday was so hard for me. I wanted to call you, I wanted to come see you, but I was afraid. If I show up unannounced will I be turned away? There's so many bad influences in your dwelling and too many land mines that I do not want to tiptoe around. I don't want to see the others. I just want to see you. I want us back to where we were. So many unfortunate events have already taken place that no matter how hard we try things will never be the same. I don't know where to begin. Just know that you're always on my mind and how excruciating it is to miss you so much. I love you with everything I am and I always will.

Love,
     Puddin'

Hypnotic State

Your rapture has overcome me and I feel as if I've lost control. While struggling to maintain my typical day to day routine you triumph my every thought. If I wanted to go out for ice cream I find myself wondering what would be your favorite flavor. I can't focus directly on my own ambitions without speculating what yours may be. I see so much in you and want to push you to your limits of prosperity. I want to spiritually stimulate you and broaden your mind with every voiced perception I speak. I want to cheer you on in all your conquests. The dismiss of my own aspirations frighten me. How can I pursue my own dreams when all I want is to be your dream? How can someone barge into my life and make such an impact in such a short period of time? The conviction that fate has brought you to me makes me apprehensive to what I feel is authentic. With one glance from you my veins expand, amplifying the temperature of my blood. Pulses seize my tremors of sadness and replaces them with an abundance of pleasure each time you speak to me. The moment you separate from the grasp of my reach I feel alone. I've always felt so comfortable on my own and more so preferred to be alone, but now that I've felt the presence of your tranquilizing hold I finally feel the urgency for affection I'd been desiring. I do not want to touch anyone unless that someone is you. My body aches for you when you're gone. I cannot carry on hankering for you as I feel it will destroy my carefully sought out plans that were conjured before you existed to me. I'm elated you'd take such an interest in me and I'm thrilled I can call upon you, but what's to come if my dreams begin to transpire? What if they take me to new places where you do not reside? What if the current volume of attention I receive multiplies? Will you doubt my intentions, my conduct, or even my fidelity? I feel as if I know how you foresee me. Naturally, I doubt what I think I know and convince myself I am only feeling what I want to. What if what I feel is wrong? My mind has been clouded since you became relevant. If you become the message in the glass bottle that was cast in the oceans just for me to find then where does that leave my intentions? Hold me, tell me the answers. I do not believe you could ever tell a lie. Not to me. I think if you did then I would fall to pieces on the spot. I can not keep my composure when you're near. My refinement becomes corrupted as I can not help but come unglued in the presence of you. I hold my breath as you reach for me so that not even my body movement can belittle the touch I yearn to feel. Just the relationship we hold is already moving so rapidly that I want to abruptly put a halt to it. I do not want you to scare me away with the rate of how things are proceeding. I do not want to push you away with my skepticism. Communicate with your hands but let me hear the words your mouth will create. Tell me everything you think and feel. Write the page you want you to be cast on. Reduce your influence on me and my thoughts, as I want to keep most of myself that is apart from you. Remove your spell and let me make my own interpretation of us. Don't let up as I may slip away to never return. How can you keep me if I still want to keep myself? I want you, but I want me more. Can I have both? Take the reigns or let me lead myself. Either way free me of my uncertainty under the hypnotic state you've trapped me in.


Buenos Noches My little chickens.
I'll feed you another night.

Forever Favorite Flavor

Let your heart beg your brain to react and move into action. Feel the vibe my body emits as it welcomes your approach. Read me like you've never read anything in your life. Feel the chill bumps rise beneath your touch as you bring my skin to life. Color my cheeks flush with passion and adore the shy smile I'd dare hide. Kiss me deeply as I learn the stroke of your tongue. Set the rhythm I dance to as you cloud my mind of only thoughts of you. I want to be touched and caressed as I once had been before. Break me of my chastity and become my lover. Do not speak to me but speak to my heart and tell it the things that will quicken the beat. Hold me close as if I would float away if you removed a single finger. Wait for me as I undress slowly in front of you as your impulsiveness is hard to control. Admire my body before you conquer it's curves. I want you to put my nerves on end as if you possess the remote to my flex and release. Lay me down and assure me you only want to share our bodies and not just use mine. Test me. Find my sweet spots without a map but make your own and burn into your brain so you can always treasure my triggers. I want you to become enraged with endorphins as the intoxication of your natural ecstasy overwhelms you. Hurt me in the way I'll feel pleasure. Ignore my refusals and determine which are cries of inexperience. Teach me how to make you reach your pinnacle. Show me the ways I should do and take the reigns as you become my suitor. Encourage me to let out and let loose. I want to give in with no fear of being put out. Speak to me during a moment of indignation that will carry me high as I soar to new heights of animation. Put my needs first and find that yours will be reached before mine. Bite my ears softly as they will lead you to the inner side of my humanity. Lead me and I will follow you in trust that I'll not only be visible but featured in your eyes. Fantasize about me when I'm away and bring them to life when I'm yours. Appreciate what I give and accommodate what I want. Be mine as my body reacts to you. Be no one Else's as no other could dream to compare what I am to you. Forget any lover you've ever tasted and let me be your forever favorite flavor.

Buenos Noches my little chickens.
I'll feed you another time.

The "My" in Myself

I've lived many lives in just my short period of time already. I can't say that I have found what I'm looking for yet and only in the reason that I don't even know what I'm looking for, yet. How can I know it's exactly what I'm looking for before I find it? Think of your favorite flavor of ice cream or candy.... Before you had tasted that flavor, ever... You didn't know that what you were about to taste would then be your favorite flavor from then on.. Am I right? Right. So that's how my perspective is in one of it's crazy ways.. On life. I can't commit to anything because I'm not sure if the next thing would have been something I'd want to commit more to yet. Then again, if I even had a second thought of what may be then I wasn't ever going to be committed as much as I can. Now if that hasn't confused you yet and you're still with me I'm going on a trip and it may have some loopty loos. Different things make you feel different. In example if you're wearing tennis shoes, you may feel more energetic or active; Whereas, in house slippers, you're slower and maybe lazy. Or even for instance, smells. If you smell lavender you may feel relaxed; if you smell mint you may feel refreshed. Just like different places make us feel different. I'm the type of person who wants to take as much into consideration as I possibly can to make my ultimate best decision. I want to love everything in life before love suffocates my life. I can find contentment in nearly any situation I face and stones are thrown upon me in my ability to do so. I'm always going to want more or different until I find my more, my most, my nothing else. My faith in finding my checkered flag overwhelms me at times..but we wouldn't know that a checkered flag existed if we didn't already know what a checkered flag was. I'm my own role model. I'm always as optimistic as I need to be. I don't like controversial topics, because if we all had the same opinions on everything then we'd be robots... I'm always going to be myself, I may change perspective or belief over time as well, but I'm still me. My changes make the "My" in Myself. Then again what do I know....see ya on the flip side, I'm going to go press play on this life of mine.


  Buenos Noches Little Chickens ..

Cracking The Seal

Since the day I packed my things and blew out of that house like a tornado blows through a corn field, I've missed you. All day and all night I can't get you off my mind. I keep replaying from start to end our journey together and by far the good times out weigh the bad. I cant help but feel sorrow now that I'm no longer there. I miss you like a candle misses the flame. I'm sorry if I ever broke your heart. Mine was in pieces. I still havent patched it together. You've always been my number 1 and for our relationship to do a complete 360 just rips my heart to shreds. I'd rather have a bullet to my brain or a razor to my wrist than to miss you everyday like I do. I wish I could call you and make sure your ok. Just even a hello would make my day. But I can't. I can't because when I left we weren't speaking. The image of your face burns in my mind. I could see hate, sorrow and sadness floating in the vodka filled eyes you seemed to look through me with. Release me. Call me. Erase the memory of our fall out or erase the memory of me all together. Ill always love you. Ill always be the one who cares most even if I pretend I don't care at all. You'll always be the light in my hallway. Lighting the path to which ever door I want to open in life rather you know it or not. You've always been my motivation. You've always been my heart. I fear that I can't do much more in life after you depart into the unknown where our faith and will is tested seeing as how I can't do anything without you. As a God fearing woman with no specific beliefs in religion I pray for you. I pray your lasting time is spent with no further regrets, heartaches, strains, troubles or disappointments. You may believe I should be the first to commence in the breaking of the ice but I fore warn you that if anyone should at this time then it should be you to do so for my strength and weight are not up to par for breaking anything other than the seal of on 89 merlot. In no way am I claiming you should be the first one to come forth first but instead enlightening you that if that's what you're waiting on then I can only hope you're not holding your breath. I make my own decisions and stand by whatever I may choose to decide. I'm traveling this world and seeing as much and meeting as many and doing whatever I can before I let life trap me into the commitments of permanent responsobilities. My place is not at home but who's to say it won't ever be one day? At this time I take my optimism to a whole new level by taking the traumatic confrontation that still hangs it's hat in your home by embracing the no strings, clean break it has presented to me. I'll carry you in my heart but only as a whisperred secret that is not to be spoken of until we speak to one another again. Days,weeks, months or even years it may take. Then again, the possibilitly of never could rear it's ugly head. You take the time you need while giving me the time I need for myself. I'll see you on the shores of Heart's Desire if our time expires too soon. Buenos Noches my little chickens until I feed you another night. :)