For startes I still love you and I miss you dearly. Things got so turned around. I wish you could see truth from dishonesty. I've always been loyal to you, and not a day goes by that I don't think of you and hate myself for not picking up the phone and calling you. What would I say? What if I'm afraid of what you may say? If you said the tiniest thing turning me away I may just fall in to so many pieces that I would never be able to recover. I don't know how you feel. I've cut you out of my life but before so you were the only thing in my life that mattered. I can't stand the unknown of how you're doing. I cry sometimes when I'm alone because the distance physically and emotionally is so far apart. I never in a million years would think this would happen. Not to us. I full-heartedly thought we would always be together. I miss sitting with you, just the two of us as we joked, gossipped and spoke about life, religion, goals, family and plans. I steer away from the topic as I converse with anyone new in concern that I may have a full break down. I'm not happy in life if you're not in it. I have no idea what you may think or feel or if you miss me. If we never do reunite I want you to know that I love you. I've never cared about someones well being or someone period more than I care for you. I want to tell you all of the things that have been going on. I want you to know the goals I've set and the ones I've already accomplished. I want to hug you and smell the scent of tobacco and screwdrivers you normally vent. I want to hold your puffy hand as it keeps mine warm from always being so naturally cold. I want to cut your hair as we laugh and watch Judge Joe Brown. I miss styling your hair up in a mohawk even though you hated it. I even miss the nasty things like cleaning your facial pores and purging your back of blackheads. I miss waking up before you to make you some coffee and breakfast you never ate. Is your computer broken? Because as much of a headache it was for me all the time, I miss being able to fix it for you and being the hero. I miss looking in your dark eyes protected by your caterpillar eyebrows and telling you how handsome you are. I miss scratching your back. I just miss you and everything about you. I want you to take better care of yourself so that the possibility of a reunion is more likely. I wish I could hear you laugh, the laugh that comes from deep within your stomach and bounces your shoulders. I laugh at the image of you laying on the couch for your afternoon nap with your mouth wide open and your little scuttle when you walk. Remember the time you let the dogs out of the house and I came running to your rescue as you yelled "help! help!" and I as I turned the corner I couldn't help but burst out with tears and laughter as your back belt loop had gotten around the door handle and you couldn't move? Remember our short "road trips" in my convertible and you stylishly wearing your aviators feeling like a baller but always bitching about how difficult it was to get in and out of my car? I always ask about you. Your birthday was so hard for me. I wanted to call you, I wanted to come see you, but I was afraid. If I show up unannounced will I be turned away? There's so many bad influences in your dwelling and too many land mines that I do not want to tiptoe around. I don't want to see the others. I just want to see you. I want us back to where we were. So many unfortunate events have already taken place that no matter how hard we try things will never be the same. I don't know where to begin. Just know that you're always on my mind and how excruciating it is to miss you so much. I love you with everything I am and I always will.
Love,
Puddin'
