Ruined

To clear the air before the clouds start rolling in, I only wish this were the beginning of my rainy year and yet it's only the start of me putting it in something other than my head. I've never doubted myself or felt more miserable before. It's not a few bad days but literally every since 2014 happened so did the lighting along with the striking thunder that follows it. Everyday I fake it to make it and some days are easier than others. But I don't want that. I don't want to have to fake it at all. I use to think I was a positive, upbeat person but it gets overwhelming trying to be positive in all these different scenarios and events that have occurred when on the inside or even just alone on my own I'm negative, depressed and bitter. I have sick thoughts in my mind because I have nothing telling them otherwise. I have pain in my heart that's made of love. When you drop a single drop of red dye in a glass of water it doesn't just color a part of that water, it colors the whole thing. The pain that has been ministered does not just affect part of my heart and all the things it controls but all of it. It's not just one pain, it's the pain from all off the consistent rain. One grain of sand is not heavy, but they pile with another and create weight, weight that is not steady but consistently and constantly building and therefore getting heavier. It gets harder as time goes by, not easier. The more time that goes by it seems the more pain and torture this world has to throw at you. How much longer can I keep it together when I'm in pieces? How have I been able to pull it off? As transparent as I've always been told I was I think maybe that just means how bad it is. What do I need to pull me out of the darkness I'm running towards? I want everything to stop. And the way I mean that scares me. I mean everything. How did I get here? It almost feels as if it snuck up on me but then again as each stab punctured I suppose they all just starting feeling the same. Am I not trying hard enough? Maybe if I just keep faking it then I'll eventually begin to believe it myself. Problem solved right? I suppose that really is what I'm best at, sweeping things under the rug. I feel ruined. Things may seem better from time to time,yes, but they don't change the times that weren't as said better. I love. Not just specific things but everything. So now that it's been bruised and beaten so much I don't think I can love or appreciate anymore and worse I don't want to.