To my Stalkers...

I love that I have subscribers on my FB....I love that no matter what I'm doing everyone MUST know whats up. That's fine with me, however, I don't think I'm going to be posting my blog on my facebook any longer. My blog will still be open to the public but I see no need in posting it on my facebook every time I blog. Just remember though you can sub my blog. I can feel more detailed, more interesting blogs coming in the near future. So feel free to subscribe to my Digital Diary tonight. Remember if you don't want me to know that you're one of my stalkers, it's not like you have to use your real name on the sub name field. Don't take me calling you a stalker in a bad way, because in all honesty I love every single one of you guys.  =)  Thanks for Stalking me, you're what keeps me smiling everyday just because I know that not only I but you love my life.  =)   lol  Buenos Noches to my fans.  friggin heart you guys.

WRONG Girl

Here I was today having a conversation with PawPaw, whom insist that I am destined to be alone for the rest of my life. As I thought back on past relationships and missed connections I've come to realize that I was never the problem. I'm THAT Girl, the one that is wifey, trophy, the best friend, the classy lady with the family, the wing-man with the guys, the one that baits her own hooks and cleans her own fish then batters and fries them, the girl that shoots and skins her own deer, the girl that washes dishes, cooks meals, cleans and folds the laundry and house, works a full time job to bring in income, wants her "me time" and insist you have yours, trust like I've never been lied to, loves like its my first time, parties her socks off when we want to have one of those nights, wants to find a BIGGER mud puddle to mud in, is great with children, is an active member of church, would rather tell you that you're right every time we disagree just so that we don't argue, takes care of you when you're sick, runs errands when you're too busy to do so, and so so so much more. I'm basically a superwoman in a sense. It's not that I was I ever the wrong girl, in all honesty I'm every mans dream girl, truth is they were always the wrong guy.

Past Love

Today I realized that all the hurt I ever experienced should have always been expected. I don't regret any of my relationships. Just regret the pain I felt in the end of them. At one time in my relationship which ever one I want to recall, there was always a time that everything was right, pure, perfect. If anything I thank every person I was ever involved with because at one time they made me smile. If anyone I've ever been in a relationship with could recall, the only thing I ever asked for was for them to make me smile. So no matter how many times I've been cheated, left naked and vulnerable by the worst pain that can't be fixed with medication or surgery, I am still woman enough to be thankful for all my past failures. You can never learn how to love unless you love unconditionally. Those were my thoughts for the night. I hope everyone sleeps well. I figure I'll have a hard time sleeping tonight as I have a pretty big day tomorrow, besides work...pooo. hahaha Buenos Noches to my Digital Diary Stalkers.

The Beginning of the Same Story?

Don't you hate it when you're in the beginning of something? Hoping for one outcome but usually ending up with one off the wall that coincidentally seems to be the same predicament you had already been in? Yea...me too. This could be the beginning of a non-decent friendship, or possibly the same relationship I've already had time and time before which obviously didn't work. More than likely the statistics are against the "Knight in shining armor" coming around anytime soon. When you look back on past relationships you really blink hard and say "Wow, why didn't I see this before? Why didn't I notice the direction this was going?" Turns out reminiscing on past failed relationships you really realize that every single one of them were exactly the same as the previous failed relationship. So bother should you? I'm not one to ask "What If?" Then again I'm also not one to have my time wasted. All I can say is that it turns out to be so Complex that it's simple.

Solitude??

Please, get off of me. You're like a second layer of skin that I can't shed. I don't want you suffocating me. Yet you have forgotten I exist. In the most part I've done the same. Show me a sign, or give me the smallest hint that you think of me. Apparently you speak my name, because your Ex is still messaging me, yet I have no reason to speak to that individual. Are you lost? In a world of confusion? Because I will not come find you to help you escape it. I have my own problems, worries and doubts, as everyone does. So with that said do you think I need your junk clouding mine? I'm unattached to you in every way, is that best? At times I feel so. Then again there's a yearning deep in my bones for more. Then again, I'm not 100% on what that yearning is. Maybe it's you, maybe it's the need of excitement, maybe I'm yearning to give myself and all of myself to someone that wants to give me all of them. Maybe in reality I'm the one that's in that world of confusion that needs to be rescued, saved, acknowledged. What if in my realm of which I believe is reality isn't. Could what I think are dreams in turn actually be life? And what I think life is could that in turn be my actual dreams? Solitude. Should I take it or leave it?

What's your True Color?

I can put a smile on my face and act as if everything is fine when I'm out and about. So that's me being fake. As everyone would think "Stormy? Being fake? NAahh." But when I step back and look at things....I am being fake. Lately my friends and family annoy me, yet I pretend nothing is wrong. I just can't seem to get genuinely happy about anything. All I want to do is be alone or be so messed up that I can't feel my face. Weird how it comes so easily to act like everything is GREAT when really I want to punch anyone in the mouth that looks at me much less speaks to me! If I didn't notice it till now how I can easily be something I'm not then when else was I not being true to myself? I think I'm TIRED of being the person everyone runs to when they need help, advice, or ANYTHING. Who can I run to? I sure as hell don't feel as if some of those people would have my back. I'm tired of giving all of me to everyone and losing in the end. I just want a piece of me that I can keep to myself. Does that make sense? In my head it does. I'm tired of putting up so much effort to make something work when in reality it will never work because the other person is just too distracted or they don't want it to work. So whats up? Whats fake and what's not? We all are. Until we show our true colors. What's your true color?

Moving fast, When nothing is moving

At night I see the world as not existent...everyone is asleep, like the world stops and I'm alone for a while...I can't sleep because as still as the world seems, my mind is 90mph to nothing. During the day time all I want to do is sleep so that I'm none existent. As much as a people person I am, lately I just want to be alone or at least not so smothered. I've lost most of my motivation to do the things I have to do, yet I've recently gained all of this motivation to do the things I've been saying I wanted to do but would never get around to it. Lately I feel artistic, and in need of exploring different things and broadening my senses to things I use to enjoy before money and greed took over. I feel proactive but want to be proactive in a different scene. I want to explore my options, get things done and enjoy the small stuff life has to offer.