How Fast is Your Light?

I hate being alone. I'm a people person. I'm a vivacious individual whom lives on interacting with the public. I'm far from saying that I don't appreciate my "me" time every so often. Then again, that's exactly what I'm saying. I'm lethargic to how I interpret my own thoughts periodically. When I am alone I get so deep into my own head about everything. IT flashes through my brain like the speed of light. Wow, that's really fast considering the speed of light is 186282 miles per second. In such a short time I think of my family, friends, materialistic objects, where my life is, where I'm going in life, why am I single, why don't I have any children or a loving husband yet, is my favorite color still green, why did I pick this outfit today, I wonder who is thinking of me, should I cut my hair, should I dye my hair, I should workout more, I should eat healthier, what am I going to do tomorrow, how am I going to explain any subject of any current situation to any individual that may be associated with it, what do my dogs think, are my dogs smart enough to compose an intellectual thought, what does PawPaw see when he looks at me, why does that chick over there have nicer tits than I, I wonder if that man over there thinks I'm attractive, do men like smart girls, in turn when I try to sound smart do I sound like an idiot because I get choked up, what if my life had been this way or that way, what if I were an only child, should I paint my nails pink or french or should I just leave them the way they are, what do I want to do for the rest of my life, if I died tomorrow who would go to my funeral, do I make an impact, who influences me, who do I look up to, who looks up to me, I need to tan, I wish my feet were bigger it's so hard to find shoes my size, what is Heaven like, is there a Heaven, can my dead family and friends see me right now, can they see me in the shower, can they see me during sex, I hope my grandmother doesn't see me during sex, why are people so mean to one another, is world peace never going to happen, why do I think I could hold the key to world peace, what is world peace, who am I talking to, should I blog tonight, does anyone read my blog, does anyone really care, why am I alone right now...etc etc etc....
STOP!!!!!

One moment. One moment to not have a single thought in my mind. One minute to have a remote to my life where I can press pause and everything STOP at a standstill and all is quiet. How pure of a moment I could only imagine would it be to not have a single care, worry, thought, memory, situation, question, decision, any single idea in our brain. WAIT. Does that mean you would be dead? Is the moment you take your last breath not insisting that that one time you held your breath so long that you thought your head was going to burst and right before you think it will you have that break you need?

Sudden relief, from the fact that I feel ok after questioning the above as if as long as I thought I've had one a time before I'll be alright. Or maybe I feel ok from questioning the above because I suppose when I feel the need for my break I'll know what to do. Am I doing it again?...thinking of a million things at once at such a speed you can see it in detail as well? I don't go to the gym often, yet I keep a nice build and I finally realized why. Not because my mother or father have good genes. Nor is it for the fact that I eat healthy, because if I don't eat a friggin burger at least once a day I'm freakin out. It's because my mind is racing through so many things at such a speed that it burns calories. I eat a lot of calories too at that. I feel as though I'm realizing more things when I can read back on it. In all aspects of life we can correct making the same mistakes over and over again but learning from it the first time. Take for example, and it's probably in your youth, at one point you DID reach for that stove just to see if Mom was lying or not about how hot it is. I'd say 9 times out of 10 it was because she was cooking on it so your attention was more focused on it, so naturally you burn the sheebies out of your hand. I bet that was the first time you touched a stove top and I also bet that you learned that SOB was hot and didn't do it again.

Confession. The last sentence I wrote, above this about the stove top, took me nearly 8 minutes to complete. Why? Because I had so much other things running in my head so much they kept blinding me from what I was doing, sort of like trying to read a book and your little sister keeps turning the light on and off.

So how about I settle my self debate and just say ok and just go with the flow to whatever my mind may want to focus or be brought attention to.

Buenos Noches my Lil chicken stalkers. I'll feed you another night.  <3

Being a Good Mother

Not so long ago my Mother asked me that while growing older, if I considered her as a "good Mother." As simple as it would be to reply with a "yes" or a "no" of course a person such as myself would make it complex and go further into the logistics of such a question. So here's what I said and would say to anyone else for the matter.

What is considered a "Good Mother?" Who I may believe to be a good mother someone else may not. I was always fed, clothes and I had a roof over my head. Sometimes I had to walk to a location I desired to go to or needed to be, but you supplied the shoes on my feet. We got into a few altercations at times but you taight me right from wrong. You grounded me just because you felt like it at times for no expected reason but I didn't end up pregnant one weekend at those underage house parties where the parents let their kids and friends drink. You went into such a depression when my sister died and you would sleep for days and forget that you had other children that were still alive and needed their mom, but I learned how to be independent and learned how to handle responsibility. There's so much more I could say and give example to but the question was "are you a good Mom?" Yes. I love who I am today, I feel as I became a bright, well rounded young woman. Other people may say otherwise because everyone has different beliefs in how children should be reared. As long as your children see you as a "Good Mother" that's all that matters. So I stand at the answer of "yes" for the kind of mother you were taught me how to be the kind of mother I want my children to have.


Till I feed you lil chicken stalkers once again.  =)

-BLANK- State of my Mind

Of late I've been stuck on this roller coaster that seems to not have any ups. I don't get to hear the clanking of the rail as my cart rises as well as my anticipation for what's to come after I reach the maximum. There seems to be a vortex of melancholy overturning and taking over my mind. It blocks any thought of sanctity or even the least contentment that I can not even bluff a smile. I need a hero. Is it a person, a place, a thing? I can't solve the mystery as to what my salvation may be, due to the desolation that has consumed my inner train of thought. Sadly enough, I've become my own grim reaper as I constantly look over my shoulder in fear of my own self sneaking up when I'm not looking. I'm quite aware of how degrading and belittling my cries of sorrow may seem to those whom may have way worse problems then myself, however I can't help but pity in my own anguish. I'm looking for a prayer, or even just a stone on the side of the walkway that seems perfectly placed for me to find and consumes all my pain and tribulation till I walk upon a placid forgotten pond to skip the stone across as I release all of my qualms with a single toss. As I hear the kur-plunk of it's final skip I hope to hear the music of my emancipation separating me from it's impalement.

Till I feed you all again my little chickens.