-BLANK- State of my Mind

Of late I've been stuck on this roller coaster that seems to not have any ups. I don't get to hear the clanking of the rail as my cart rises as well as my anticipation for what's to come after I reach the maximum. There seems to be a vortex of melancholy overturning and taking over my mind. It blocks any thought of sanctity or even the least contentment that I can not even bluff a smile. I need a hero. Is it a person, a place, a thing? I can't solve the mystery as to what my salvation may be, due to the desolation that has consumed my inner train of thought. Sadly enough, I've become my own grim reaper as I constantly look over my shoulder in fear of my own self sneaking up when I'm not looking. I'm quite aware of how degrading and belittling my cries of sorrow may seem to those whom may have way worse problems then myself, however I can't help but pity in my own anguish. I'm looking for a prayer, or even just a stone on the side of the walkway that seems perfectly placed for me to find and consumes all my pain and tribulation till I walk upon a placid forgotten pond to skip the stone across as I release all of my qualms with a single toss. As I hear the kur-plunk of it's final skip I hope to hear the music of my emancipation separating me from it's impalement.

Till I feed you all again my little chickens.

A Hesitated Blessing for Myself

Hesitate your next move. Take a moment to stand by. I'm dropping everything I'm doing right now to re-evaluate my stand point in life. Things I thought I wanted haven't changed much. The love I have for people hasn't changed much. I make changes everyday. Rather I'm switching up my routine, thinking in an others perspective, or even something as simple as changing up my brush strokes while brushing my teeth. I'm always trying to do new things because I never know if when I do how much I will like or dislike the outcome. While engaging in my moment of assessment I look back 5 years ago. Where was I ? I'm 18, freshly broken hearted, don't give a damn about the world, if someone as much as looks at me the wrong way I beat them to an inch of their life, and I was tired. I was so exhausted of worrying about drama and romantic relationships and paying bills. I was burned out of being judged for my line of work at that age,as an exotic dancer. I was drained of wondering where life was going to take me. Back then I had a reckoning with myself. I learned that nothing would ever change if I didn't change it up myself. Till this day, I don't regret any past decisions I've made because I've turned out the way I wanted to so far. The most drama I have in my life is when someone mistakes something on facebook, I don't get heartbroken anymore because I expect the worse and hope for the best, I pray, I don't wear a chip on my shoulder because I'm scared of my own insecurities, I live everyday scared of what tomorrow holds because I just want to make it to tomorrow. Five years from now I may be married with children of my own, more responsibilities regardless the fact, and I'll still feel the way I do today. Anxious, Scared, Optimistic, but most of all Blessed because I made it there thanks to myself.

Buenos Noches my little Stalkers, I'll feed you chickens another day.  =)

Shania Twain or Stormy Henry??

When two people venture forth in getting to know one another as if pursuing a relationship, there's always the same redundant questions in the beginning. ''Why are you single, Have you ever cheated, What's your favorite color,'' and the ever so famous, ''What do you look for in a man/woman?''
Excuse me as I don't ask or answer that, but listen to me and understand why I feel that way.
Say I were your teacher, you the student had a midtermm coming up, so I printed the answers on the back of the test. Asking me what I'm looking for is like giving you the answers of how to trick me into thinking we're meant for one another. What am I looking for in a man? Well any man of mine doesn't need the answers or even a hint, because he is what I'm looking for. He's himself. Flaws and all, he's no one other than the person he is. He doesn't apologize for it or try to be something I'd want him to be, because he's already made that way, the way I want him to be. None of our past relationships worked out, or they wouldn't be past relationships, so why start our future relationships that way. Call me crazy but my man knows what I want without the slightest sign from me.

Buenos Noches my lil stalkers. =)  till I feed you chickens next time.

I'm a Captain on a Calloused Voyage

I haven't blogged in late, mostly because that burst of motivation has started to disperse. I feel like I wanted to sail the ocean and be the captain of my own adventure but my deck hands have abandoned ship. Now I'm off in this world of no return when I'm needing a steady hand to reach through the realm in which I have been consumed to pull me out and snap me back into reality. I cannot slow the hands of time as I beg for mercy in the dilatation of peace. I strive to be everyone's sanction, yet I need my own bolster for my needs and cannot find the right outlet. My plate has become so full that I'm no longer starving for what I was hungry for. If only I could obliterate these past few months and start a fresh clean slate, would that make me feel release? If I had never attempted the agonizing torture of self accomplishment would I be more subdued? Is the possibility of proficiency enough to keep me moving on no matter the end result? I must questions myself in my own actions more now than so, in hopes to keep the slew of sanity I have left. I feel as I've too far in to turn back, but I need someone else to be my feet. Have mercy on me in upcoming decisions and collar my imminent judgments.


Buenos Noches my lil Chicken stalkers,
Till I feed you again. 

I Like Who I Had To Be To Become Who I Am

Hey guess what?!?! I USE to be an Exotic Dancer, a Stripper, a StripTeaser, whatever you want to call it. Am I ashamed? Am I embarrassed? The answer is NO. I for one don't get paid to judge anyone so I don't. I'm honest and I will tell anyone anything they ask and answer it as sincerely as I can. What I've done in my past stays in my past. What I've done up until this point has made me into the person I am today. Want my candid opinion on myself? I like Me. I love Me. Truthfully I wish there were more people like me today. I'm a hard worker, independent, goal oriented, a "go getter", always striving to better myself and my life, I'm the best friend anyone could possibly have in their life. I'm warm hearted as well as big hearted. I'm conceited and cocky, but I always put others before myself. I'm appreciative, giving, respectful, well mannered, and I know when to party even though at times I get out of control. Truth is we all have our past. We all did things we're not proud of, no matter how big or small those things were. I don't let my past affect me, and I don't think differently about anyone no matter what had happened in their past. Like I said, I like who I am and who I've become. If someone can't get pass my prior, my previous, my come and gone, my extinct, my did and done, then they shouldn't have to worry about seeing me in my close at hand, forthcoming, from now on, down the road, or in other words my future. Anyone in my life will tell anyone new in my life that they wouldn't trade me for all the presents in the world, all the dollar signs in the world, all the friends in the world, or for all the riches in the world, because when I'm here or there I make an impact and I'm worth having.

Buenos Noches my little Stalkers, I'll feed you chickens another day.  =)

Manless in a ''Man's World''

In a world where men outnumber women in most cities how are so many women single? Frankly, I don't care why. I choose to be single because my man is too busy right now to come sweep me off my feet. my man is touring around the world experiencing the first part of his life before he spends the rest of his life experiencing it with me. He is getting everything he can out of his system before he comes home to me. Why is that and why am I OK with that? Because my man is a cowboy, a lot of people say good guys finish last, but the truth is that cowboys finish last because they put their women first. Any good woman that has a good cowboy man that puts her first wont look like she's taking advantage of his kindness neither. Because a cowboy's woman puts her cowboy first as well. I don't know my cowboy's name, where he is or when he is coming to lasso me up, but by God he's coming one day and Ill be waiting. Boots and all, to hop up on the front side of that saddle as he holds his arms tightly around me griping those reigns. Till then I don't mind being single and alone, because in the end it will be worth it. I want my man to know that not every swingin' johnny got in good with his gal. I'm a keeper..and so is my future man, and he'll know that and appreciate that.

till next time my Lil chickens,I'll feed you another day.
buenos noches

when you have been someplace that was just appalling, rather it be a physical, tangible place or just a mental state of mind...you tell yourself ''i don't ever want to go back.'' anytime you see yourself maybe walking backwards into the same godawful place you swore you would you never go back because of all the grief it caused you rather it be heartache or just a straight breakdown, you need to go back and recall why you never wanted to go back in the first place. if by any chance there is no way to abstain from pressing rewind and watching yourself walk backwards in slow motion, then at least try to find that one healthy, blooming rose in the middle of your dreary desert. not all things and times were fully distressing. like anything in any aspect of your life, at one point you liked where you were and what you were doing. so what drastic situations cause us to head back into that downward spiral, when even recalling on it causes us to feel all of the same pain and torture of when you experienced it? is it seeing an old photo? maybe its catching up with an old friend. could it be driving by a specific part of town. if we just remind ourselves everyday by taking a few seconds of our greedy time wasting day