I Like Who I Had To Be To Become Who I Am

Hey guess what?!?! I USE to be an Exotic Dancer, a Stripper, a StripTeaser, whatever you want to call it. Am I ashamed? Am I embarrassed? The answer is NO. I for one don't get paid to judge anyone so I don't. I'm honest and I will tell anyone anything they ask and answer it as sincerely as I can. What I've done in my past stays in my past. What I've done up until this point has made me into the person I am today. Want my candid opinion on myself? I like Me. I love Me. Truthfully I wish there were more people like me today. I'm a hard worker, independent, goal oriented, a "go getter", always striving to better myself and my life, I'm the best friend anyone could possibly have in their life. I'm warm hearted as well as big hearted. I'm conceited and cocky, but I always put others before myself. I'm appreciative, giving, respectful, well mannered, and I know when to party even though at times I get out of control. Truth is we all have our past. We all did things we're not proud of, no matter how big or small those things were. I don't let my past affect me, and I don't think differently about anyone no matter what had happened in their past. Like I said, I like who I am and who I've become. If someone can't get pass my prior, my previous, my come and gone, my extinct, my did and done, then they shouldn't have to worry about seeing me in my close at hand, forthcoming, from now on, down the road, or in other words my future. Anyone in my life will tell anyone new in my life that they wouldn't trade me for all the presents in the world, all the dollar signs in the world, all the friends in the world, or for all the riches in the world, because when I'm here or there I make an impact and I'm worth having.

Buenos Noches my little Stalkers, I'll feed you chickens another day.  =)

Manless in a ''Man's World''

In a world where men outnumber women in most cities how are so many women single? Frankly, I don't care why. I choose to be single because my man is too busy right now to come sweep me off my feet. my man is touring around the world experiencing the first part of his life before he spends the rest of his life experiencing it with me. He is getting everything he can out of his system before he comes home to me. Why is that and why am I OK with that? Because my man is a cowboy, a lot of people say good guys finish last, but the truth is that cowboys finish last because they put their women first. Any good woman that has a good cowboy man that puts her first wont look like she's taking advantage of his kindness neither. Because a cowboy's woman puts her cowboy first as well. I don't know my cowboy's name, where he is or when he is coming to lasso me up, but by God he's coming one day and Ill be waiting. Boots and all, to hop up on the front side of that saddle as he holds his arms tightly around me griping those reigns. Till then I don't mind being single and alone, because in the end it will be worth it. I want my man to know that not every swingin' johnny got in good with his gal. I'm a keeper..and so is my future man, and he'll know that and appreciate that.

till next time my Lil chickens,I'll feed you another day.
buenos noches

when you have been someplace that was just appalling, rather it be a physical, tangible place or just a mental state of mind...you tell yourself ''i don't ever want to go back.'' anytime you see yourself maybe walking backwards into the same godawful place you swore you would you never go back because of all the grief it caused you rather it be heartache or just a straight breakdown, you need to go back and recall why you never wanted to go back in the first place. if by any chance there is no way to abstain from pressing rewind and watching yourself walk backwards in slow motion, then at least try to find that one healthy, blooming rose in the middle of your dreary desert. not all things and times were fully distressing. like anything in any aspect of your life, at one point you liked where you were and what you were doing. so what drastic situations cause us to head back into that downward spiral, when even recalling on it causes us to feel all of the same pain and torture of when you experienced it? is it seeing an old photo? maybe its catching up with an old friend. could it be driving by a specific part of town. if we just remind ourselves everyday by taking a few seconds of our greedy time wasting day

Relentless && Steadfast

I've been stressed to the MAX lately. I'm starting to open my store up and contemplate on having the grand opening in January. I have photographers booking me left and right. So in another sense I'm stressing for good reasons. I'm happy to own my own business and venture forth into this world of deceit and money hungry colluders. As sarcastic as that sounds, I really am happy. Now when it comes to modeling I like to think I'm excelling. Different photographers have contrastive picturesque aspects that I enjoy dipping my toes into. If there were any moment in my life that I'd be positively proud to freeze frame for a moment so far it would be now. I have friends && family proclaiming their expressions of crow, and I appreciate it to the MAX. However what really counts is how proud I make myself. In this particular moment I'm more proud of myself than all the other times I have taken pride in my exploits. Whatever I get or have now I won't be able to take along with my when I pass into a world of love, and clouds of rhinestones, but while I am here I want to make the best and accomplish as many goals to ensure a stable future for myself and possible forthcoming family. I can only go as far as I will let myself. No matter what I do in this lifetime I'm going to have road blocks and speed bumps. I'm a Texas girl, I'll drive my big rig over them like they were a pothole. I ask my friends and family and even my fans to help lift me up and avail in prolonging my dreams. My dreams are not fantasies dancing around in my head any longer, I'm making them real. If I can come from nothing and make something then I know that if anyone tries hard enough they can do the same thing. It gets rough and there are times you want to quit, but if you want it bad enough and know you'll benefit in the long run than all you have to do is be persistent.





Buenos Noches my little chickens. I'll feed you another day.  =)

My Animateness Continues

When PawPaw use to say "When you find something worth having, keep it before it's too late or someone else will get it." I always thought he was talking about a car or dress, materialistic, but now I get it...he was not talking materialistic. We are all here a aphoristic amount of time. We should all try to find that partner, rather friend or other, to share the good times with and to cry to when there are bad times. Being ethological beings we have all sorts of emotions. Happy, Sad, Angry, Depressed, Overjoyed, Lonely and many more. If we suppress any of those emotions we kill ourselves. No one should be afraid to express any feelings or thoughts. Not only is it unhealthy but it's suicide. If we bottle up every feeling we've ever had we may just erupt one day and no one will know why. Never be afraid of the words in your thoughts. They may save your life. Some of the things we feel may hurt others feelings, they may make someone happy, they may even cause world peace or world destruction. But you will never know if you keep yourself within yourself. Let yourself be yourself. Don't let anyone intimidate you into doing something you're not willing for. Live YOUR life the way YOU want to. Say what you feel, Be who you are, Love who you Love. The rest is for the birds.

Buenos Noches my little chicken stalkers. Till I feed you again.

Influence Yourself, Obliterate Your Previous

It's amazing how some feel when they get a huge blast from the past. Then they start to question all of their past. Then they feel all of and any of the pain that had ever felt in their lifetime up to that point. A chain reaction. from one pain straight to the next. You try to put life on pause but it just won't stop. Then skip a minute and try to pretend to those on the outside that you've never been lied to, never been hurt, that you've never felt the sting of disappointment. A lot of people out there walk around with these artificial smiles pasted right below there nose's. However those on the outside can't hear the agonizing depths of tortured screams, and the ticking time bombs waiting to detonate. And all of that was just a chain reaction from that one buried, tormented memory that had suddenly resurfaced itself and planted a little seed in our heads to blossom into a plant of grief and destruction. No matter what shows up, no matter what nightmares we have, we should always remember that we control what happens from that point on. No matter how badly we think we have it at that seemingly never ending time, we should always prevail and know that we ourselves can make it better. Life doesn't have to suck. We can all enjoy it, individually or together. No one can tell you how to live it, people may have suggestions or opinions. When it comes down to it, You are the one who grips the supremacy of your life. So direct it into the path you want, to your forever happiness.

Buenos Noches my little chicken Stalkers....I'll feed y'all another day.

Irrecoverable

I've taken quite a disjunction in my blogging. Of late I've been sort of diverted as I keep going off into my own world, like "zoning out" or "swooned." Nothing has been able to pull me back, or inspire me. My mind goes back and forth like the waves of an abashing ocean. I need an anchor. Someone or something to keep me planted in a life of reality and responsibility, yet I feel like my planting has been reaped and I'm floating aimlessly in the air in prayers that I don't unearth a gust of wind. If someone were to sit with me over 5 minutes at a time you can visually see the blank and emptiness in my eyes as my face loses character and expression as if at an abandoned hotel where the lights remain on, however there is no one there. I can't conclude what it is that keeps bringing me into this world of non-existent, but I desperately need to find a way to make it stop.  I don't as myself nor do I feel adequate. Someone pull into this world and lock me up with your chains to keep me here.


Till next time my lil' stalkers I will feed you chickens later. Buenos Noches 

There's a thousand YOU's...but there's only ONE ME.

Why does it baffle so many people that I can stay SO single? Nearly every man I meet wants to take me out or further a relationship with me, but I;m just not interested. Why's that? Why does my PawPaw ask me all the time consistently, constantly why I don't date and says I will never get married and am destined to be alone the rest of my life. Why is it so easy for me to conversate with a good looking man yet have no interest in wanting to get to know him more?
Here's my reason: They're all the same. 1st date we'll go out for dinner & a movie, you won't get anything more than a hug and smile and a genuine "Thank you" afterwards. Then we might go on a2nd date and you will tell me how baffled you are of my smile and how "cool" and "down to earth" I am. We'll kiss at the end of our 2nd date. Then for our 3rd date you'll invite me to come over and "watch a movie" while tempting to make moves on me and try to get me to stay over. You won't succeed in getting me in your bed, then I'll leave and 3 days later you'll text me asking me something like "how are you doing?" and I'll reply with good, then you won't have anything else in the holster to text so that will be the end of our conversation. The next time we talk will be because we bumped into one another at a bar or a grocery store, we'll do the awkward "hey how ya been? Oh good good, just blah blah blah,,,well it was nice seeing you." Two days later you'll text me asking me out and I'll be "busy."
The reason I stay single is because there are a thousand YOU's....but there is only ONE ME. 
I don't want to date the same guy every time, and they indeed ARE all the same...I want to date a man that is un-like any other. Doesn't beat to the same drum, Doesn't play by everyone else's rules && wants to respect me and make me smile because he WANTS to...not because he wants to get in Victoria Secrets playhouse. I stay single because I don't want to be settled for, When guys want a hook-up they'll go to a girl that settles, but when a Man wants a wife to settle down with, he'll come to me.

Buenos Noches my lil' Stalkers. I'll feed you chickens later.

Old Friends, 8-Tracks & Hero's

Tonight, I spoke to an old friend of mine, the only person that has ever made me pray the hardest in my life. I'm glad to hear from him and happy to know he's doing alright.

Tonight, even though I'm sick as a dog, I'm going to paint, maybe sketch and write. I feel uplifted. Hopefully there is change coming forth. I have all these great ideas that I can't seem to put on paper. If only I could have a machine that would do it for me. Guess technology isn't that advanced yet.

With Halloween here and all the candy, sweets and sugar being passed out I'm jealous that I have no "sugar" of my own. One day soon enough I'll find that piece of candy that deserves to melt in my mouth and not in my hands as I melt his heart and not his dreams. Chivalry has died along with virginity, stove top popcorn and 8-tracks. This princess will not settle for anything less than a hero.


Buenos Noches my lil chickens. I'll feed ya again later.  =)

Drunk on NyQuil

I think I'm getting sick with this weather change. BUMMER. On a lighter note, I had a better Halloween than I did last year, my band is progressing, and we've decided to start documenting our progress as we go. I thought that was a great idea from Tim, our guitarist, that way in the future we have something to look back on. LAtely I haven't really felt like doing anything or seeing anyone. Everyone always wants to hang out the same time as everyone else, so then you feel torn between them and personally I can't choose so I'd rather stay home and paint my toes. hahaha... A congratulations is due for my older sister, Courtney, who is pregnant with her 2nd child. Her & I don't talk at all but I'm still happy for her and her husband. PawPaw won't leave me alone about dating....lol...I'm just not interested. I don't feel like having my time wasted and I know there's a VERY low possibility the "Right" guy is in the Golden Triangle. No offense, but the Golden Triangle is full of "Man-Boys" who think that playing the game is better than winning the prize. I'm not interested, nor will I ever be. I'm young and have plenty of time for that. Just living in the moment for now. Enjoying each day as it comes. Till I feed the chickens next time.  Buenos Noches, I'm going to go suck down some NyQuil.

World Peace?? A Possibility??

Ever feel like when you take two steps forward you end up getting knocked 6 back? Sometimes I feel like "Wow everything is perfect and going in the right direction, how lucky am I to have all this "Good" stuff happen to me all at once or at least back to back." Then BAM a sideways slam like someone just side-swiped you in a car accident. You start doing so wonderfully that others are just so mad about it. Either because they're in their "knocked back" stage or they're just so jealous that they don't want you to be in such a good mood. Ironic how whenever you're doing well for yourself that others wish "Dang, why can't that happen to me?" So thats when they decide that its not fair so they are going to try to bring you down, or sometimes they decide well I'm going to take advantage of your well being. What a shame that no matter what predicament people are in they can't get happy for others that are doing well. It's not hard to do so. Some wonder "why not me" when they should be thinking "that is going to be me, when I drop my drugs, my gossip, my self pittiness, when I straighten out my priorites, and strive to do better for myself." Come on people, we all talk about how we wish this world were a better place, it can be. It's going to start with a chain reaction. Just like how doing one good deed for someone could inspire someone else to do so for another. Ever seen Pay It Forward? Crazy how such a movie is actually the basic plan for world peace. I'm not striving for world peace, but is it completely crazy to think it were possible? Negative thoughts, and self sorrow, fake forgiveness', and turning your back on your neighbors is what is really stopping us from doing so. Love everyone, help as much as you can, because even if that person you love or help turns out to be a P.O.S...at least you know you did what you could. The motivation starts in your head, you can't force anyone to do the same but you can only show them that in helping others helps us all. Life is short to be wasted on hate, negativity, unfaithfulness, dishonesty, and self pittiness. Let's live this life and make everyday better than the last all because making others happy in turn makes us happy.

Celibacy && Loneliness

So it's not so easy being celibate when no guy out there wants a girl that they can't get any from. However, I know that I'm worth waiting for and if there's a man willing to take the time to wait for it then he's likely to be the guy that deserves me. Sex gets in the way of getting to know an actual person and getting to know how the relationship can work for time to come. You can be in a relationship for 2 years and not even know a person because the relationship is based on sex and physical attractions. I want the physical attractions, the stimulating conversations, and the knowing a person and knowing that we love one another for one another not for what kind of pleasure we can give to one another. Yes in fact I do get lonely, and I want that cuddle time even though I'm not the cuddle type. Sometimes I want a kiss or to hold someone's hand walking through the mall or parking lot. However, I know what I'm worth, a Woman's Worth, and I deserve a man who will be there thick and thin. I shouldn't have to "give it up" in order to get or keep a man. No woman should. Men complain about how they can't find a good girl waah waah waah.....but girls are a lot more delicate, and sensitive, and insecure and just wants someone there so the get so desperate that they lower their morals. Not this girl. I'm a grown up and if a man can't wait with me and form a pure relationship based on each other and not based on sex then he's not mature enough for me nor neither anyways close to being on my level. I'd like to have a MAN kiss and touch THIS body, not an immature MAN-BOY that secretly thinks he his God's gift to women just because he has a penis. I'm glad I aired this out. Hopefully for some of you ladies out there this will be a reality check for you in what you're actually doing. These MAN-Boys don't respect you and in reality they talk about you and your sex lives when you're not around...trust me...I was the only girl growing up in my family....I was raised with a damn football team AND those football teams members. GROW UP LADIES.

Short Story

I had a lame day at work, but band practice made it better. I'm feeling inspired and I can feel my business savvy pulling out. So excited for what's to come. WAY too tired to blog tonight...catch y'all up tomorrow.  =)  Night lil Chickens. 

To my Stalkers...

I love that I have subscribers on my FB....I love that no matter what I'm doing everyone MUST know whats up. That's fine with me, however, I don't think I'm going to be posting my blog on my facebook any longer. My blog will still be open to the public but I see no need in posting it on my facebook every time I blog. Just remember though you can sub my blog. I can feel more detailed, more interesting blogs coming in the near future. So feel free to subscribe to my Digital Diary tonight. Remember if you don't want me to know that you're one of my stalkers, it's not like you have to use your real name on the sub name field. Don't take me calling you a stalker in a bad way, because in all honesty I love every single one of you guys.  =)  Thanks for Stalking me, you're what keeps me smiling everyday just because I know that not only I but you love my life.  =)   lol  Buenos Noches to my fans.  friggin heart you guys.

WRONG Girl

Here I was today having a conversation with PawPaw, whom insist that I am destined to be alone for the rest of my life. As I thought back on past relationships and missed connections I've come to realize that I was never the problem. I'm THAT Girl, the one that is wifey, trophy, the best friend, the classy lady with the family, the wing-man with the guys, the one that baits her own hooks and cleans her own fish then batters and fries them, the girl that shoots and skins her own deer, the girl that washes dishes, cooks meals, cleans and folds the laundry and house, works a full time job to bring in income, wants her "me time" and insist you have yours, trust like I've never been lied to, loves like its my first time, parties her socks off when we want to have one of those nights, wants to find a BIGGER mud puddle to mud in, is great with children, is an active member of church, would rather tell you that you're right every time we disagree just so that we don't argue, takes care of you when you're sick, runs errands when you're too busy to do so, and so so so much more. I'm basically a superwoman in a sense. It's not that I was I ever the wrong girl, in all honesty I'm every mans dream girl, truth is they were always the wrong guy.

Past Love

Today I realized that all the hurt I ever experienced should have always been expected. I don't regret any of my relationships. Just regret the pain I felt in the end of them. At one time in my relationship which ever one I want to recall, there was always a time that everything was right, pure, perfect. If anything I thank every person I was ever involved with because at one time they made me smile. If anyone I've ever been in a relationship with could recall, the only thing I ever asked for was for them to make me smile. So no matter how many times I've been cheated, left naked and vulnerable by the worst pain that can't be fixed with medication or surgery, I am still woman enough to be thankful for all my past failures. You can never learn how to love unless you love unconditionally. Those were my thoughts for the night. I hope everyone sleeps well. I figure I'll have a hard time sleeping tonight as I have a pretty big day tomorrow, besides work...pooo. hahaha Buenos Noches to my Digital Diary Stalkers.

The Beginning of the Same Story?

Don't you hate it when you're in the beginning of something? Hoping for one outcome but usually ending up with one off the wall that coincidentally seems to be the same predicament you had already been in? Yea...me too. This could be the beginning of a non-decent friendship, or possibly the same relationship I've already had time and time before which obviously didn't work. More than likely the statistics are against the "Knight in shining armor" coming around anytime soon. When you look back on past relationships you really blink hard and say "Wow, why didn't I see this before? Why didn't I notice the direction this was going?" Turns out reminiscing on past failed relationships you really realize that every single one of them were exactly the same as the previous failed relationship. So bother should you? I'm not one to ask "What If?" Then again I'm also not one to have my time wasted. All I can say is that it turns out to be so Complex that it's simple.

Solitude??

Please, get off of me. You're like a second layer of skin that I can't shed. I don't want you suffocating me. Yet you have forgotten I exist. In the most part I've done the same. Show me a sign, or give me the smallest hint that you think of me. Apparently you speak my name, because your Ex is still messaging me, yet I have no reason to speak to that individual. Are you lost? In a world of confusion? Because I will not come find you to help you escape it. I have my own problems, worries and doubts, as everyone does. So with that said do you think I need your junk clouding mine? I'm unattached to you in every way, is that best? At times I feel so. Then again there's a yearning deep in my bones for more. Then again, I'm not 100% on what that yearning is. Maybe it's you, maybe it's the need of excitement, maybe I'm yearning to give myself and all of myself to someone that wants to give me all of them. Maybe in reality I'm the one that's in that world of confusion that needs to be rescued, saved, acknowledged. What if in my realm of which I believe is reality isn't. Could what I think are dreams in turn actually be life? And what I think life is could that in turn be my actual dreams? Solitude. Should I take it or leave it?

What's your True Color?

I can put a smile on my face and act as if everything is fine when I'm out and about. So that's me being fake. As everyone would think "Stormy? Being fake? NAahh." But when I step back and look at things....I am being fake. Lately my friends and family annoy me, yet I pretend nothing is wrong. I just can't seem to get genuinely happy about anything. All I want to do is be alone or be so messed up that I can't feel my face. Weird how it comes so easily to act like everything is GREAT when really I want to punch anyone in the mouth that looks at me much less speaks to me! If I didn't notice it till now how I can easily be something I'm not then when else was I not being true to myself? I think I'm TIRED of being the person everyone runs to when they need help, advice, or ANYTHING. Who can I run to? I sure as hell don't feel as if some of those people would have my back. I'm tired of giving all of me to everyone and losing in the end. I just want a piece of me that I can keep to myself. Does that make sense? In my head it does. I'm tired of putting up so much effort to make something work when in reality it will never work because the other person is just too distracted or they don't want it to work. So whats up? Whats fake and what's not? We all are. Until we show our true colors. What's your true color?

Moving fast, When nothing is moving

At night I see the world as not existent...everyone is asleep, like the world stops and I'm alone for a while...I can't sleep because as still as the world seems, my mind is 90mph to nothing. During the day time all I want to do is sleep so that I'm none existent. As much as a people person I am, lately I just want to be alone or at least not so smothered. I've lost most of my motivation to do the things I have to do, yet I've recently gained all of this motivation to do the things I've been saying I wanted to do but would never get around to it. Lately I feel artistic, and in need of exploring different things and broadening my senses to things I use to enjoy before money and greed took over. I feel proactive but want to be proactive in a different scene. I want to explore my options, get things done and enjoy the small stuff life has to offer.

The beginning of a public mind.

I've decided to start blogging. Everyone seems to always want to know exactly what I'm doing and what's on my mind all the time, so why ask when you can read? FAcebook is nice, but that's my social upbeat to connect with my friends. On my "Digital Diary" is where I dont connect with anyone but myself. It's nice to get things off your chest, mind and heart as well as being able to look back and see the changes of perspective I've made over time. So I hope whoever follows my diary will find it eye opening to what honesty is.